THE DIARY: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SURVIVOR SPEAKS OUT....4

If you haven't read the first part of this blood curdling experience of this woman in the hands of her monster husband, you can read PART 1 HERE, and PART 2 HERE, PART 3 HERE........


Continue to read today's continuation her accounts.


Research has shown that sometimes what happens to an abuser is actually a cry for help.... They need help FROM themselves.... That's why lot of times an abuser will not be able to associate himself with the gravity of what he has done.... It's a sort of psychological dissociation.... As far as they are concerned, IT WAS ALL A LIE.....'YOU CAUSED IT'......"YOU HIT ME FIRST"......"IT'S YOUR FAULT".... And the list is endless. They want to make up almost as soon as it is over.....they become either extremely remorseful or extremely disengaged from the act itself....when they are remorseful, you will see them do extraordinary things to apologize... Paid holidays, expensive gifts.... Calling the whole world to come and help them beg......

I know a friend ... Whenever she goes AWOL... At a short notice....I know that oga has beaten her and flown her out to REST...I always look for her then no matter where because I know she will want to talk....Some will ensure that you live like and are treated like a queen....that is until the next one... The other type that disengages or dissociates from the incidence will blame you.... Tell ridiculous lies.... Spin a fantastic tale or story against you that by the time he finishes his own version of happened, everyone will look at you as the devil incarnate.... "Iyawo yen gaaan wahala ni... Alaseju ni...ashawo..... Imagine all the money broda mi said he has been given her yet she is not satisfied.... Olojukokoro.... What else does she want.....?” And it goes on and on....some of these types of men will put the blame squarely on your shoulders.... "She stabbed herself....she disobeyed me..... A man brought her home....she slapped me first.... (I will tell you a real scenario that happened to me on this later)....


Either way some experts will say most of their actions are CRIES FOR HELP... I have seen some marriages settle down as soon as the whole world heard of the abuse.... Some men just need counseling or whatever you call it.... Counseling.....beaten.....or scared.... Into normalcy and these types will stop the abuse as soon as some major things happen....someone said as soon as she packed out...the family knew something was wrong....her husband had to use his own mouth to be reporting himself to the family....because she just disappeared and in looking for her he had to explain all the beatings etc.... By the time they found her ....things normalized.....

However the other ones the majority.... Are those who see nothing wrong with their actions. "MY MOTHER WAS CONSTANTLY FLOGGED BY MY FATHER....SO YOU TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT".....or they were victims of the abuse themselves.... So there is transference of the aggression... A lot of Nigerian men in this category will tell you that flogging, abuse etc are just a "naija" thing.... If you want oyinbo life... Then go and marry oyinbo man....but then not all men are the same.... All men are not equal.... This diary is not about the normal gentlemen....who respect adore and cherish their other half.... It's about THE OTHERS....SO HOW DO YOU SPOT AN ABUSER AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE IN A RELATIONSHIP?

Like I said at the beginning..... This is a DIARY....a diary I kept whilst married to Him...I made most of these entries for a period spanning 15 years.... I've been out of it all for about 7years... I choose to be HAPPILY UNMARRIED... (Will tell you how I left later). I must say that every time I made an entry...after each incidence, I emotionally detached ....like filing things away into a cabinet...and believe me I just never wanted to re-open any of the pages again....ever.... It is when I see faces of women.... When I read this blog and she kept on asking.... "Is anyone out there"... When I read of young girls murdered by husbands who spin ridiculous stories.... That I decided to re- open the diaries and put it out there....maybe someone's life will be saved, knowing what we are all now knowing...

Each of these posts have opened the wounds again.... I cry each time I bring back another entry.... Other people's stories keep me awake each night... THIS IS NOT A SCRIPT....I don't even think the producers in Nollywood understand the depth of Domestic Violence (DV)...anyway.... But that's just me....I'm not sure..... This is also NOT A PITY PARTY..... Oh no!!!!!.... The essence of this is for people to understand what goes on in DV.....to draw people in such relationships out of their shells.... To encourage them to talk....to enlighten and educate those who are naive.... Hoping that the case studies here will help young girls, young mothers to recognize early warnings, early symptoms and take constructive decisions as to where they are going....

This diary is also intended to put the stark reality into the faces of the men themselves....like looking at themselves from outside...hoping that it may help them retrospect, re-access and think...."IS THAT WHO I REALLY AM"...

It is to allow parents understand that not all ken are equal... Help them to sit their daughters down and if they are single.... Help them know that it is not a do or die affair. Marriage is not wedding...2 different things. Also for us who know one person or the other in DV.... Create a support network for them.... Believe me... In the end, for me it was the angels God sent to me (friend, family, and strangers!) that became my support system...... Women in DV need people TO JUST UNDERSTAND..... We don't want pity parties... But just knowing that I can talk to lagbaja and he or she will understand helps... (Pray about it and I know God will send these HELPS to you)

FACT...an abusive relationship never ends well.... I know...its like a free fall from the top of a hill....the only way is down...Physical may stop but there are the emotional, financial, psychological abuse....which are even worse than the physical....

Morbid as these scenarios appear, they are real.... So real that so many women have died from just one of the scenarios I have shared... Some are still there ashamed to tell anyone...and so they tell stories..... "I FELL DOWN....I RAN INTO A WALL....I HAD AN ACCIDENT...." When you hear these stories..... Just remember my own examples and know what could have happened. (Till date some of my bosses call me clumsy.....)

My next few posts will be real life cases of women that found me....or we found ourselves... Though we are still in counseling and still work -in - progress...
Dulce Bellum inexpertis..... War is sweet to those who never fought..........

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LEAVING

I am skipping a large chunk of the diary to this final part.... Like I said the dairy represents my life during the 19 years I spent.....maybe people will learn from this and live.....
The journey to leaving started in January of 2006 I was in England when my sister Brought. Visitor to see me...she was a pastor and also a victim of DV....she said God told her to tell me IT'S TIME...that I will understand what it meant...that he said HE WAS READY TO FREE ME FROM THE VIOLENT MAN... I wept and told her I didn't know how to leave...she then asked me to do some simple things from that point on...I won't go into the plan extensively for obvious reasons....my email is available through Stella for those who want to know... But part of it included, saving aggressively, and taking little steps daily towards the leaving ...it was a gradual process....but I remember her saying that when the time comes, everything will work together...all those little steps...

On a certain day in June 2006... I left....finally.... And till today I remember how it happened ....I came in from work...it was dark.....and as I was going in I saw him all dressed in black ...asking me all sorts of questions ....I was shaking trembling and explaining,....worked late traffic on 3rd mainland bridge...and how I had been calling to let him know.....then NEPA struck....and he told the Guard not to turn the gen on....he then calmly told me the marriage is over ...and that I should just get into the car and drive...back to wherever I was coming from....I went on my knees asking for forgiveness.....it was really late and he calmly told me to leave.....he was speaking so quietly ...it was so spooky... I wanted to call my children to help me ....he then warned me....not to dare shout...and that he had sent everyone to bed...so it was just me and him.....he told me he had a gun and that he will not hesitate to shoot me and he will tell everyone that armed robbers tailed me in and shot me....he warned me that it’s about to get bloody and I should leave....and I calmly got up from my knees ....got into the car.....and started driving...into the night....into the light

Ija dopin OGUN si tan....olugbala jagunmolu Orin Ayo la o mako.....hallelujah.

Yes He opened the gate for me by himself........let me drive out by myself.....and I just drove...... What did I feel?.....nothing......absolutely NOTHING.....it was just me, myself and I......as quiet as the night had become....as still as the night had become ....so was I......and I just kept driving......and i remembered ........that day had started normally and I remember that the last meeting he had called with my parents, aunt and uncle...he had told them I should be home by 6...no matter where I was.... My aunt knowing that I work on the island (we lived on the mainland) had told him it was impossible.... Knowing the traffic situation and all that....his demands on that day were quite stiff....if I wanted the marriage I had to stop traveling (my Buisness had by now expanded....) I had to stop all expansion....and must be home by 6....obey or leave....my aunt refused to go home that day....between her and her husband they decided that she should spend the weekend with me.....




watch out for the next part...
Domestic violence is real!!! if you are in an abusive relationship, get help fast and get out, while you still have life.